Coming out

Be who you are and say what you feel! Because those who mind don’t count – and those who count don’t mind.

Theodor Seuss Geisel

Actually, you’ve known for a long time that you, as a boy, feel a little differently than other boys, that you, as a girl, are a little different than other girls when it comes to love and relationships.

But you have never really been able to categorize it, which is why you have kept all these feelings to yourself until now. And the thought that maybe all this is just a phase just doesn’t want to come true.

Maybe you even had a girlfriend as a boy. But the feeling you get from the thought of a kiss with another boy just won’t let you go. No girl in the world can upset the butterflies in your stomach as much as this one handsome boy you think about so often.

As a girl, you may have already had a boyfriend, held hands with him, kissed him, etc. But the feelings you have with your female classmate or best friend are much stronger than they could ever be with any boy.

You may have simply noticed lately that you are not only emotionally and sexually attracted to the “opposite” sex, somehow there is more to it.

Or you are perceived by others as a boy/girl, but actually feel quite different?

Many boys and girls feel like this or something similar – but it can also be completely different. But they all have one thing in common: their feelings are a little bit more crazy than most of the others at your age.

At some point, there comes a point when you just want to get out of this emotional chaos: to come out.

Coming-out – that means:

  • Openly confronting your own feelings.
  • Finally saying yes to yourself.
  • Honesty towards yourself and others.
  • Being able to admit your feelings to yourself and others with a good feeling.
  • Accepting being gay, lesbian, bi or queer as a part of oneself.
  • Finally living out what you have dreamed of for so long.

Together we are strong!

Coming out and the path to it is different for every person. Some people find it easy because a lot of things have always been clear, others struggle with themselves or their environment for a while.

Although each of us goes our own way. Don’t forget: you are not alone. There are more guys and girls who feel exactly like you than you might think (even in the South of Germany!).
The most important and perhaps most difficult coming out is first of all to yourself.
Much is accomplished when you can admit to yourself without hesitation: “I am gay”, “I am lesbian”, “I am bi/pan/queer”.
Your “inner” coming out is best followed by a conversation with other people you trust a lot, most likely a good friend.

“How do I bring this up?”

How others react to your coming out can vary greatly from person to person.
From understanding and goodwill to indifference and rejection – everything is possible.
Even if the reactions are usually better than you initially feared, here are a few tips on how you can prepare yourself for such a conversation:

First, talk to someone else about it: If you have already come out to your best friend and now want to come out to your parents, it helps immensely to talk about it in advance with a trusted person. So, you can decide together, when, and how you want to talk to them and how you should deal with their reactions.

Proxy reactions: Pay attention to the person you want to come out to, how they usually react to queer issues. Remember how it was in the past. If there is not much there, elicit reactions from them by specifically addressing the issue in a different context.
Knowing the person’s attitude about being queer can help you to be better prepared for expected reactions.

Give yourself and the person time: Some people simply need a while to process and understand your coming out. So, if there’s a bit of a weird vibe right after you come out, don’t worry too much, often that vibe passes pretty quickly. And remember, first and foremost it’s about yourself and your self-discovery. How others deal with it should be secondary for now.
You can do it too!

You can manage that too!

Everyone finds their own way, whether how and with whom they outed themselves.
For some, it is suddenly no longer a problem to tell practically everyone, for others the questions arise anew at some point in every new circle of acquaintances.
Everyone has the freedom to decide how they want to present their lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, queer, or transgender identity to the outside world.

You have questions about coming out?

With us Rosekids, you will find contacts. It is important to us to be there for you when you are dealing with your coming out.

Other institutions, such as the Rosa Hilfe (in Freiburg, phone: +49 761 25161 or by email [email protected]) or the advice line of the Frauen- und MädchenGesundheitsZentrum e.V. (Wed 9:30 am – 12:00 pm and Thu 3:00 pm – 6:00 pm, phone: +49 761 2021590) also offer themselves as advisors.

Once you have heard and seen that other guys and girls feel the same way as you do, it will certainly be easier for you to cope with your own situation.
Some things are not so bad anymore when you know that you are really not alone.
Above all, you’ll realize how pleasant it is not to be in the minority for one when you join us or another queer youth group.